Scott Watson, Closeted Douche
So earlier today I was checking my facebook profile as I usually do whenever I have some downtime at work and I noticed a new friend request. Scott Watson wanted to be my friend! "Oh boy," I thought, "what a neat thing this is." I wondered how I knew this person. Surely I knew Scott somehow because otherwise why would he want to be my friend? Well I just didn't know. Maybe I met him when I was so drunk that I forgot it all happened (Something Scott is all too familiar with, see picture below). Regardless, I sent him a message asking for a bit of clarification on the matter.

Me: Friend request? And you would be...

Scott: jesus christ u are a faggot

Needless to say I was a bit surprised; I had no idea Jesus Christ was a faggot! Also a bit appalling was Scott's miscapitalization of Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I'm sure it was just an honest mistake, I mean it must be hard hitting two keys on the keyboard at the same time when you've only got one free hand. Well, I assume Scott only had one free hand at the time because in my mind I envisaged Scott typing up that response while watching some quality hardcore Saviour on Saviour action, possibly a pornography involving Jesus Christ and Muhammad. I mean the revelation that Jesus Christ is a faggot had to come from somewhere, right? I know I personally believe everything I see in a pornography! Honestly though, I'm not sure how Jesus would feel about his relationship with Muhammad being made into a 21st century pornography. Especially regarding that whole Muhammad icon taboo thing.

Well, whatever gets your rocks off there Scott, I don't fault you really getting to know yourself and your Messiah a little better while you were typing out that response, even if it meant you had to forgo the little things like spelling, capitalization, and punctuation. Don't worry, your message came across loud and clear: You're a closeted homosexual and you want me to help you by being your new friend! Well of course I'll be your friend, pal. All you had to do was ask, and you did!

Oh but then I got to thinking further. Maybe I'm misreading his message? It's hard to tell because of the missing punctuation and all. Damn that money-shot scene involving Christ cumming on Muhammad's chest! If only Scott's favorite pornography were less explicit, then I'm sure Scott wouldn't have had to gently stroke on his cock to relieve himself while he was typing up his reply to my query.

I thought, it's possible Scott is just very confused and frightened about being closeted. Maybe all his friends make gay jokes all the time and he secretly wishes he had the integrity, honesty, and courage to tell them to stop degrading his sexual orientation. Maybe it finally got to him and his mind snapped. You could read his message to mean that he thinks I'm Jesus Christ, and I'm a faggot. Oh that poor boy. He may very well look up to me and seek my forgiveness and blessings. I had to figure out which it was. Did he mean I was gay Jesus or just that Jesus was gay? So I sent him another message. I tried to be nice and reassuring while also pointing out that I certainly wasn't Jesus nor was I a faggot. Bisexual sure, but I always associated the word faggot with strictly homosexual. That or a bundle of sticks and branches, but hopefully Scott isn't so confused that he mistook me or Jesus for a bunch of dry twigs. I mean, no one's that stupid, right Scott?

Me: Last I checked I wasn't Jesus Christ or a faggot. But maybe if you ask me real nice I can be, just for you.

I added that second sentence just in case he really does think I'm Jesus Christ. I didn't want to bring him down too hard, so I had to make it seem like I was willing to be a part of his fantasy world. At least for now, until he gets used to the idea that neither I nor Jesus Christ want to bang him in the ass. Well, at least not bareback anyway! Come on Scott, think about hygiene for Christ's sake!

Well anyway. While I eagerly await his next reply I printed out some pictures of him (seen below) and put them in my wallet. Sometimes when I get lonely I just sneak a quick peek at them and remember: Somebody thinks I'm a saint.

God bless ya, Scott. ttyl!


Here's Scott having a quick shot of something to wash down his beer.


Here he is pitching his new idea to his drunk boss.


Scott on the job cleaning up tables at a local restaurant. Can't let the beer go to waste!


Scott forgot which beer was his so he just drank both of them.


"Scott! You don't need another beer, you've had too much to drink already!"
Scott: Whaaaaa, Nigga please!


Scott found some corn in his pants; what a surprise!


Look at him daydreaming in the background. Oh Scott, I'm thinking of Jesus's cock too!